02-Humor

 

Humor

From the moment I met Bill, on my flight from Tucson to Dallas, I knew he was the perfect man. When most women rattle off a potential mate's must-have qualities, they usually include a decent job, sense of humor, good looks, a tongue with Parkinson's disease. My priorities are always a little different. "You have no computer and no cell phone at all?" I asked incredulously. "Nope," Bill shook his head, smiling. Bill, it turns out, was a member of the rare species of men known as Homo technophobiens. And if he played his cards right with me, he'd soon be Homo erectus.

From the moment I met Bill (내가 Bill을 만난 순간부터) , on my flight from Tucson to Dallas (내가 Tucson에서 Dallas로 가는 기내에서) , I knew he was the perfect man (나는 그가 완벽한 남성이라는 것을 알았다.) . When most women rattle off a potential mate's must-have qualities (대부분의 여성들이 미래의 배우자가 지녀야하는 특성들을 나열할 때) , they usually include a decent job (그들은 보통 괜찮은 직장, ~ 을을 포함시킨다) , sense of humor, good looks, a tongue with Parkinson's disease (유머감각, 준수한 외모, 전문적 지식을 갖은 언변) . My priorities are always a little different (나의 우선순위는 좀 다르다) . " You have no computer and no cell phone at all (당신은 컴퓨터나 휴대폰에 대해 전혀 상식이 없죠?) ?" I asked incredulously (난 의심하듯 물어 보았다) . "Nope," Bill shook his head, smiling ("아닙니다," Bill은 미소를 지우면 머리를 저었다.) . Bill, it turns out, was a member of the rare species of men known as Homo technophobiens (나중에 안봐로는, Bill은 첨단기술을 두려워하는 드문 사람의 일종이라는 것을) . And if he played his cards (만일 그가 카드를 한다면) right with me (나와 지금) , he'd soon be Homo erectus (그는 호모 에렉투스가 될 것이다) .

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- rattle something off : (기억하고 있는 내용을) 줄줄 말하다 / a tongue with Parkinson's disease : 파킨슨 병에 관한 언변(전문적인 지식) / incredulously : 의심하듯이 / Homo techonphobien : 첨단기술을 배우는 것을 두려워하는 사람 / Homo erectus : 호모 에렉투스(직립 원인) /

 

I moved as close to him as our first-class seats would allow. Bill went on to tell me he was Native American and didn't believe in modern technology. Whoa! A handsome 45-year-old man who didn't have a douchey screen name like machostudd69? A guy who had never heard the words "Your mail-box is full" except when the Sears catalog came? By the time that flight was over, in my mind I was the future Mrs. Dances With Wolves, and I was this close to taking out his Little Bighorn right there on the plane.

I moved as close to him as our first-class seats would allow (우리의 1등석 좌석이 허락하는 한 그에게 가까이 다가갔다) . Bill went on to tell me he was Native American (Bill은 자신은 미국태생이라 계속 말을 걸었고) and didn't believe in modern technology (현대 기술을 믿지 않는다고) . Whoa (와!) ! A handsome 45-year-old man who didn't have a douchey screen name like machostudd69? ((성관계시) 69자세와 같은 무례한 말 뜻도 모르는 중년의 남성?) A guy who had never heard the words "Your mail-box is full" ("우편함이 가득 찼다"라는 말도 모르는 남자?) except when the Sears catalog came? (Sears에서 보내온 물품책자가 왔다는 것 외에는) By the time that flight was over (거의 도착할 시간에 되었을 쯤에) , in my mind I was the future Mrs. Dances With Wolves (가슴속에 나는 미래의 "늑대와 춤"의 주인공의 부인이 되었다.) , and I was this close to taking out his Little Bighorn right there on the plane (그리고 나는 기내에서 그의 Little Bighorn(고향의 작은 강)을 꺼낼만큼 그와 친해졌다.) .

- as ‘형/부사’ as S + V : S가 V할 만큼 ‘형/부사’하게

- whoa : (감탄사) 우와 / douchey : 무려한 말의 / screen name : 닉네임

Why did I get so jazzed at Bill's lack of electronic savvy? The answer is easy: I was fresh out of the craziest relationship of my life, and I was looking for its opposite. My ex, Tommy, was an online playa who used the Net to stimulate his nads. He was the Don Juan of the web, the log-on lothario, the Adonis of AOL.

Why did I get so jazzed at Bill's lack of electronic savvy? (왜 내가 Bill의 부족한 전자상식에 너무나 재미를 갖었을까?) The answer is easy (그 해답은 쉬웠다) : I was fresh out of the craziest relationship of my life (난 내 인생의 광적인 관계에서 벗어난 신선함을 느꼈기 때문이고) , and I was looking for its opposite (나는 그와 정반대인 것(사림)을 찾고 있었다) . My ex, Tommy (내 전 남편인, Tommy는) , was an online playa who used the Net to stimulate his nads (성적흥분을 위해 인터넷을 사용하는 중독자였다) . He was the Don Juan of the web, the log-on lothario (그는 인터넷의 호색가이고 바람둥이였고) , the Adonis of AOL (휴가결근을 (자주하는) 어린 아이였다) .

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- jazzed : 활기찬 재미있는 / savvy : (실용적인) 지식, 상식, 요령 / nads : (속어) 고환 / Don Juan : (비격식) 호색한 / lothario : 바람둥이 / Adonis : 미소년 / AOL : absent over leave 휴가결근

 

I never had the feeling Tommy was completely loyal to me. Maybe it was my insecurity, or maybe it was because whenever he heard " You've got mail," he got an erection. In any case, whenever I was with him, I kept one eye on him and the other on his computer. One Saturday morning when Tommy was snoring like an Irishman on March 18, I tiptoed over to his computer and started reading.

I never had the feeling Tommy was completely loyal to me (난 Tommy가 나에게 전적으로 충실한 느낌을 갖은 적이 없다) . Maybe it was my insecurity (그것은 아마 나의 불감감일 수도 있거나) , or maybe (아마도) it was because whenever he heard " You've got mail," ("당신 메일이 왔네요"라는 얘기를 들을 땐 언제나,) he got an erection (그는 발기를 했기 때문일지 모른다) . In any case (어느 경우든) , whenever I was with him (내가 그와 함께 있을 땐 늘) , I kept one eye on him and the other on his computer (나의 한 눈은 그에게로 다른 한 눈은 그의 컴퓨터로 쏠렸다) . One Saturday morning (어느 토요일 아침) when Tommy was snoring like an Irishman on March 18 (3월 18일 Tommy는 아일랜드 사람처럼 코를 골고 있었을 때,) , I tiptoed over to his computer and started reading (나는 살금살금 그의 컴퓨터로 다가가 (내용을) 읽기 시작했다.) .

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- erection : 발기 / snore : 코를 골다 / tiptoe : 발끝으로 살금살금 걷다

There, among a smattering of missives from friends and family, was what I had suspected all along. Endless strings of correspondence with more than a dozen women "friends" who were clearly much more. I mean, I've had lots of friends before, but never once has a "friend" sent me pictures of her snatch. Okay, once, but I immediately deleted Barbara Walters from my friends list. But seriously, Tommy's in-box was full of-box! And breasts! There were more boobs than the cast of Jersey Shore.

 There, among a smattering of missives from friends and family (친구와 가족에게 온 약간의 편지 중에) , was what I had suspected all along (내가 줄곧 의심했던 것이 있었다.) . Endless strings of correspondence with more than a dozen women "friends" who were clearly much more (분명 친구 이상인 여러 여자들과의 끝없이 계속된 서신왕래) . I mean, I've had lots of friends before (나도 전엔 많은 친구들이 있었다.) , but never once has a "friend" sent me pictures of her snatch (하지만 한번도 자신의 성행위 그림을 나에게 보낸 친구는 없었다.) . Okay, once, but (좋아요, 한번쯤은, 그러나) I immediately deleted Barbara Walters from my friends list (나는 내 친구의 명단에서 Barbara Walters를 즉시 지워버렸다) . But seriously (하지만 심각하게) , Tommy's in-box was full of - box! (Tommy의 편지함은 무언가 가득차 있었다) And breasts (그리고 여자들은 젖가슴!) ! There were more boobs than the cast of Jersey Shore (Jersey Shore에 등장하는 배우들 보다는 더욱 많은 유방들) .

- Jersey Shore : 20대 이탈리안 미국인 남녀 8명의 사랑과 질투와 갈등을 담은 TV 프로그램

- a smattering of : 조금 / missive : 편지 / snatch : 잡아챔, 성교, 질, 여자

Before the advent of computers it used to be if you feared your boyfriend might cheat, you kept him home. Nowadays, that's the worst place he could be. Let me explain: If I'm dating a guy, he usually has quirky looks - more George Costanza than George Clooney. So when he's out, he flirts only with women who are attractive, and Brad Pitt-iful doesn't get far with that type. But online it's a whole different story. Any guy can pretend he still looks like his college rugby photo and suddenly he's the McDreamy of Match.com. What guy doesn't seem better when you can't smell him?

Before the advent of computers it used to be (컴퓨터가 출현하기 전) if you feared your boyfriend might cheat (만일 당신의 남자친구가 속이는 것 같다는 걱정을 든다면,) , you kept him home (당신은 그를 집을 나가지 못하게 했다.) . Nowadays (요즘엔) , that's the worst place he could be (그렇게하는 것은 그에겐 최악의 것이다.) . Let me explain (이유를 설명하죠) : If I'm dating a guy (만일 내가 한 남자와 데이트를 하고 있다면,) , he usually has quirky looks (그는 보통 변덕스런 모습을 갖는다) - more George Costanza than George Clooney (George Clooney 보단 George Costanza에 가까운) . So when he's out (그래서 그가 외출할 때) , he flirts only with women who are attractive (그는 매력적인 여성에게만 추파를 던진다.) , and Brad Pitt-iful doesn't get far with that type (Brad Pitt와 같은 사람은 그런 타입으로 발전하지 않는다.) . But online it's a whole different story (그러나 온라인 상에서 그것은 전혀 다른 얘기이다.) . Any guy can pretend (어떤 남자도 ~ 체할 수 있다) he still looks like his college rugby photo (자신은 여전히 자신의 대학 럭비사진을 보는) and suddenly he's the McDreamy of Match.com (그리고 갑짜기 그는 Match.com의 McDreamy같은 사람이다) . What guy doesn't seem better when you can't smell him? (당신이 그의 낌새를 채지 못할 때, 어느 남자 착해질까?)

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- quirky : 변덕스러운 / flirt : 추파를 던지다 / get far : (사태가) 발전하다

Don't get me wrong: I'm no prude. Taylor Swift I am not. Flirting is par of life that folks - married or single - can enjoy with no guilt, and checking people out online is not cheating any more than checking people out at the mall is. (Although, if you enjoy masturbating while checking people out, stick to doing it online. Mall security hates that.) However, banging someone you met online is cheating. If you're in a relationship, turn off the computer and love the one you're with. Remember the grass is always greener when you don't have to hear the sound of her annoying voice.

Don't get me wrong (저를 오해하지 마세요) : I'm no prude (저는 내숭쟁이가 아닙니다) . Taylor Swift I am not (Taylor Swift도 아니죠) . Flirting is par of life (추파는 삶의 일부입니다) that folks - married or single (결혼을 했던 안했던지 일반인이) - can enjoy with no guilt (죄책감없이 즐길 수 있는) , and checking people out online is not cheating any more than checking people out at the mall is (그리고 온라인 상에서 사람들을 살펴보는 것은 몰에서 사람들 유심히 보는 것 보다 더 부정행위는 아님니다.) . ( Although, if you enjoy masturbating while checking people out (당신이 사람들을 보면서 자위를 하든 안하든) , stick to doing it online (온라인 상에서 하세요) . Mall security hates that (몰 경비원이 싫어하니까요.) .) However (그러나) , banging someone you met online is cheating (온라인 상에서 만난 사람과 섹스를 하는 것은 부정행위입니다) . If you're in a relationship (만일 관계에 빠진다면) , turn off the computer and love the one you're with ((당장) 컴퓨터를 끄시고 옆에 있는 사람을 사랑하세요) . Remember the grass is always greener (풀은 언제나 더욱 푸르다른 것을 기억하세요) when you don't have to hear the sound of her annoying voice (당신이 그녀의 짜증스런 목소리를 들을 필요가 없을 때) .

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- prude : 내숭을 떠는 사람 / Taylor Swift : 가수 겸, 영화배우 / stick to : ~을 계속하다 / bang : (속어) 여자와 섹스를 하다, 쾅하고 치다[때리다] / be in a relationship : 누군가를 사귀다 /

Tommy's computer protocol was second only to his phone antics. In fact, Tommy may have been the first person to have the Tiger Woods texting plan - even on our dates. And it wasn't as though his texts were work-related. The only "jobs" he was texting about were blow, hand and rim.

 Tommy's computer protocol was second only to his phone antics (Tommy의 컴퓨터 통신은 단지 그의 전화의 괴상한 행동엔 부수적인 것이었다) . In fact (사실) , Tommy may have been the first person (Tommy는 첫번째 사람이었던 것 같다) to have the Tiger Woods texting plan (Tiger Woods 문자메지 전략을 갖은) - even on our dates (우리가 데이트하던 날 조차도) . And it wasn't as though his texts were work-related (그리고 그것은 마치 그의 문자메시지가 일과 연관된 것 같지는 않았다) . The only "jobs" he was texting about were blow, hand and rim (그가 문자 메시지를 보내고 있었던 유일한 일은 단지 섹스에 관한 것이었다) .

- may have + p.p : (과거의 긍정적인 추측) ~였던 것 같다 / as though : 마치 ~인 것 같은 / about 전치사의 목적어인 the only "jobs"가 주어로 도치됨

- antics : 괴상한 행동 / blow, hand and rim : 섹스

Texting on a date, much like exposing your genitals, is inappropriate unless it's a blind date, and by "blind date" I mean the other person is blind. If you're so bored on a date that you find yourself texting, buy yourself a TV dinner and masturbate. I'm not saying you can't peek at your phone to see if someone hotter wants a shot at you, but typing away like a coked-out Lindsay Lohan is just plain rude. The only way your fingers should be working that hard on a date is if your hands are under the table and up my skirt.

Texting on a date, much like exposing your genitals (자신의 성기를 노출시키는 것 같이 아주 유사한, 데이트날에 문자메시지를 보내는 것은) , is inappropriate (부적절하다) unless it's a blind date (그 날이 첫 소개팅이지 않으면) , and by "blind date" I mean ("소개팅"에 대해 내가 의미하는 것은) the other person is blind (상태편은 눈이 멀었다는 것이다) . If you're so bored on a date that you find yourself texting (만일 당신이 데이트 날에 너무 지루하다면 당신은 문자메시지를 보내는 자신을 발견한다) , buy yourself a TV dinner and (간단한 먹을 것을 사서 (집에가) 자위를 하라) masturbate. I'm not saying you can't peek at your phone to see (나는 당신이 ~인지 아닌지를 알기 위해서 당신의 휴대폰을 슬쩍 볼 수 없다는 것을 말하고 있는 것은 아니다) if someone hotter wants a shot at you (뜨거운 누군가가 당신과 섹스를 하고 싶~) , but typing away like a coked-out Lindsay Lohan is just plain rude. (코카인에 취한 Lindsay Lohan 처럼 문자메시지에 메달리는 것은 아주 무례한 행위이다.) The only way your fingers should be working that hard (데이트날에 당신의 손가락이 그렇게 열심히 일을 하고 있어야만 하는 유일한 길은) on a date is if your hands are under the table and up my skirt (당신의 손이 테이블 아래에 치마 위에 있을 때이다.) .

- so bored that 절 : 너무 지루해서 ~하다 / the only way (that) your fingers should be working ..... is if 구문

- genitals : 성기 / blind date : 서로 모르는 남녀의 데이트, 소개팅 / a TV dinner : 텔레비전을 보면서 간단히 먹는 식사 / masturbate : 자위하다 / want a shot at : ~와 섹스를 원하다 / type away : 전적으로 메시지를 입력하다 / coked-out : 코카인(마약)에 취한 /

I know what you're wondering: Did I marry Bill and live a technology-free life as though we were Amish? No. Bill wasn't just technologically retarded; he was also socially retarded. You'd think a guy without the electronic accoutrements of life would have developed interpersonal skills. But alas, Bill had as many friends in real life as he had on the World Wide Web - none. And he had a personality to match.

I know what you're wondering (이 글을 읽고 있는 당신이 궁금해하는 것을 안다) : Did I marry Bill and live a technology-free life (내가 Bill과 결혼하여 과학 기술에서 해방된 생활을 했는지?) as though we were Amish (우리가 아미쉬파처럼) ? No (아닙니다) . Bill wasn't just technologically retarded (Bill은 단지 기술적으로 뒤떨어진 사람은 아니었죠) ; he was also socially retarded (그는 또한 사회적으로 뒤떨어져 있었죠) . You'd think a guy without the electronic accoutrements of life (여러분은 생각하기로 전자장비에 묻혀 살지 않는 자는) would have developed interpersonal skills (대인관계 기술이 발전시켰을 것이라고) . But alas (하지만 천만에요) , Bill had as many friends in real life as he had on the World Wide Web (Bill은 인터넷상에서 그가 갖고 있는 만큼의 많은 친구들을 현실에서도 갖고 있었죠) - none (모두 쓰잘데 없는 친구들) . And he had a personality to match (그리하여 그는 취향에 맞는 한 친구만 갖고 있었죠) .

- as many B as A : A만큼 많은 B인

- Amish : 아미쉬파(현대 기술문명을 거부하고 소박한 농경생활을 하는 미국의 한 종교 집단) / retarded : 발달 능력이 떨어진 / accoutrement : 장비

In the end, I wound up with a guy who had a computer and a cell phone but who gave me his passwords on our third date. Take your diamonds and flowers and stick them up your twats, bitches. The password is the gift that keeps on giving. And I don't have to live in a tepee.

In the end (결국) , I wound up with a guy (나는 ~ 사람과 헤어졌죠) who had a computer and a cell phone but who gave me his passwords on our third (컴퓨터와 휴대폰은 갖고 있지만 세번째 데이트날에 나에게 자신의 비밀번호를 준) date. Take your diamonds and flowers and stick them up your twats, bitches (당신의 다이아몬드와 꽃을 가져가 그년에게 주세요) . The password is the gift that keeps on giving (비밀번호은 계속해서 주는 선물이죠.) . And I don't have to live in a tepee (그리하여 난 그런 소굴에서 살 필요가 없죠) .

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- wind up with : ~와 헤어지다 / stick up : ~을 내밀다(주다) / twats : (섹스 상대의) 여자 / bitch : (속어 못마땅함) (개 같은) 년 / tepee : (과거 북미 원주민들의) 원뿔형 천막