04-Eros

Eros

The first time I ever got really turned on giving a blow job I was 22, on a date with a man I barely knew but liked a lot. It was night, in a parking lot after a Bad Brains show, and he leaned against the hood of my car while I got on my knees. We could have been strangers - we almost were - and somehow the darkness, the anonymity of the situation liberated me from worrying about doing something wrong or feeling self-conscious. I allowed myself to sink deep into the fantasy of what it must feel like for him - the pressure, the warmth, the wetness. All of a sudden the only thing in the world was that cock and my connection to it.

Eros (성적욕구)

The first time I ever got really turned on giving a blow job (내가 구강섹스에 처음 눈을 뜬 건) I was 22 (~ 22살 때였다) , on a date with a man I barely knew but liked a lot (거의 알지 못했지만 많이 좋아한 한 남자와의 데이트 할인) . It was night, in a parking lot after a Bad Brains show (그 땐 한 Bad Brains쇼가 끝난 후 어느 주차장에서 밤중이었다.) , and he leaned against the hood of my car (그는 내 차의 본네트에 기대었다) while I got on my knees (내가 무릎을 꿇고 있는 동안) . We could have been strangers (우린 서로에 어색할 수 도 있었다) - we almost were (우린 거의 서로를 몰랐다) - and somehow the darkness, the anonymity of the situation (그래서 약깐 어두운 곳, 아무도 모르는 곳은) liberated me (나를 해방시켜 주었다) from worrying about doing something wrong or feeling self-conscious (잘못된 짓을 하고 있다거나 양심에 가책을 느낀는 걱정으로 부터) . I allowed myself to sink deep into the fantasy of (나는 내 자신이 ~ 황홀경 깊숙이 빨아들이도록 했다) what it must feel like for him - the pressure, the warmth, the wetness (그들 위한 압력, 따뜻함, 촉촘함을 느껴야만 하는) . All of a sudden (갑짜기) the only thing in the world was (이 세상에 유일한 것은 ~였다) that cock and my connection to it (그 사람의 성기와 그것의 결합) .

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- blow job : 구강섹스 / turn on : ~에 흥미를 끌다 / barely : 거의 ~아니게[없이]

Before that night I had been wary of the blow job, thought of it as something you "gave" someone, like a gift. Or, occasionally, as something that had to be done as a duty. It was just that I was unsure of cock when I got up close to one; it contained unreadable male mysteries. I might hurt it or maybe just do nothing right. Maybe I looked ridiculous. I didn't really know what parts of it wanted to be touched, or how. It seemed to be its own creature, almost uncannily separate from the man who owned it. Perhaps simpleminded but authoritarian and judgemental.

Before that night (그날 밤 전까만 해도) I had been wary of the blow job (나는 구강성교를 경계하였었다) , thought of it as something you "gave" someone, like a gift (그것은 선물로써 누군가에서 주는 것으로 생각했었다) . Or (또는) , occasionally, as something that had to be done as a duty (때때로 의무로서 해줘야만 하는 것으로) . It was just that I was unsure of cock when I got up close to one (아주 가까이서 성기를 일으켜세울 때 난 성기를 몰랐던 것이 맞다) ; it contained unreadable male mysteries (그건 헤야릴 수 없는 남성의 신비를 간직했다) . I might hurt it or maybe just do nothing right (내가 그것에 상처를 입히지나 않을까 나쁜짓이 아닐까) . Maybe I looked ridiculous (아마도 내 자신이 어리석어 보였다) . I didn't really know what parts of it wanted to be touched, or how (난 성기의 어느 부분이 또는 어떻게 애무를 원하는지를 정말로 몰랐다) . It seemed to be its own creature (그것은 ~ 그것 자체의 생명체인 것 같았다) , almost uncannily separate from the man who owned it (그것을 소유한 남성과 신비롭게 분리되어 있는) . Perhaps simpleminded but authoritarian and judgemental (아마도 순진하지만 권위적이고 주관적인 것 같았다) .

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- wary of : 경계하는 / get up 일으켜 세우다 / close to : 아주 가까이 / uncannily : 초자연적으로, 신비적으로 /

Many of my friends, or at least the ones who talked about fellatio, often described it as something distasteful or as a reward to bestow or even a means of controlling a man. My friends talked about feeling uncomfortable, being alone with a part of your boyfriend that was him but was not him. I understood; there could be something lonely about the act, something that made you feel disconnected from your partner. It was easy to imagine you were just an appendage to masturbation.

Many of my friends, or at least the ones who talked about fellatio (나의 많은 친구들이나 적어도 구강성교에 관한 얘기를 한 친구들은) , often described it as something distasteful (종종 그것을 불쾌한 것으로 또는 ~으로 묘사했다) or as a reward to bestow or even a means of controlling a man (바칠 보상 또는 심지어 남성을 통제할 수단) . My friends talked about feeling uncomfortable (내 친구들은 ~ 불안한 느낌에 관해 얘기했다) , being alone with a part of your boyfriend that was him but was not him (그이지만 그가 아닌 남자친구의 일부와 동떨어 있는 둣한) . I understood (난 이해했다) ; there could be something lonely about the act (~ 행위에 관한 외로운 무언가가 있을 수 있다) , something that made you feel disconnected from your partner (당신이 파트너와 단절되는 느낌을 주는 무언가와 같은) . It was easy to imagine you were just an appendage to (당신의 자위행위에 부속물이라고 상상하기 싶다) masturbation.

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- fellatio : 구강성교

But starting that night in the parking lot I began to understand the profound, dirty pleasure of giving blow jobs. It isn't just that I discovered how much I like being in control, how much I like giving the kind of pleasure that makes someone helpless and how intoxicating it is to be on the receiving end of hurricane-levels of desire. But, that night, it was also the revelation of the particular male smell you get up close with a cock and balls that turned me on in ways that are almost beyond description. It was like being inside sex.

But starting that night in the parking lot (주차장에서 그날 밤 (일을) 시작하면서) I began to understand the profound, dirty pleasure of giving blow jobs (구강성교가 주는 심오하고 더러운 쾌감을 이해하기 시작했다) . It isn't just that I discovered how much I like being in control (내가 얼만큼의 자재력을 발견했는지에 관한 것은 아니다) , how much I like giving the kind of pleasure that makes someone (얼마만큼 내가 누군가를 무력하게 만드는 쾌감을 주기를 좋아하는지) helpless and how intoxicating it is to be on the receiving end of hurricane-levels of desire (허리케인 수준의 엄청난 욕망을 받는 끝이 얼마나 도취시키는지) . But, that night (하지만, 그날밤) , it was also the revelation of the particular male smell you get up close (그것은 또한 당신을 아주 깨어나게 하는 특별한 남성의 냄새의 발견이었다) with a cock and balls that turned me on (나를 도취시킨 성기와 고환으로) in ways that are almost beyond description (거의 말로 표현할 수 없는 방식에서) . It was like being inside sex (그것을 섹스를 하는 것과 같았다) .

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- profound : 심오한 / it isn't just that : ~만은 아니다 / intoxicating : 도취시키는 / revelation : 뜻밖의 발견 / beyond description : 형용할 수 없는

Plato said that human beings can only truly access the Divine through sexual ecstasy, Eros. This has always made so much sense to me. When else are humans as rapt by feeling as when they come and when they touch God? That feeling of connection to the universal, the feeling of having exited my own body as I orgasm is nothing other than touching the infinite.

Plato said that human beings can only truly access the Divine through sexual ecstasy, Eros (플라톤은 말하길 인간은 성적인 황홀함, 즉 에로스를 통해서 만 천국에 진정으로 접근할 수 있다고 했다) . This has always made so much (이 말은 늘 나에게 너무나 많은 의미즐 주고 있다) sense to me. When else are humans as rapt by feeling as when they come and when they touch God (그외에 언제 인간은 그들이 와서 신을 만질 때처럼 황홀함을 느낄까?) ? That feeling of connection to the universal (우주와의 결함의 그 느낌) , the feeling of having exited my own body as I orgasm (내 자신의 육체를 나의 오르가즘처럼 흥분시킨 느낌은) is nothing other than touching the (단지 무한함을 만지는 것이다) infinite.

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- rapt : rap의 p.p, 황홀하게 하다 / nothing other than = nothing but = only

Yet I have never been able to get close to that Platonic, out-of-my-mind kind of sexual ecstasy unless I can satisfy a primal hunger: Whether in fantasy or reality, I need a connection to another equally raunchy human being. It has always been the case with me, since I was a teenager, that I have to see someone else's horniness in order to feel horny. What I happily realized on my knees in the parking lot is that an erect cock in my face is among the most blatant ways of experiencing the realness of someone else's desire I'd ever encountered. And every time, it spurs a response in me, hot and dark as if I am doing something transgressive in the best possible way.

Yet I have never been able to get close to (그러나 나는 결코 ~접근한 적이 없다) that Platonic, out-of-my-mind kind of sexual ecstasy (그 플라토닉이자 마음을 초월한 성적인 황홀함에) unless I can satisfy a primal (내가 근본적인 배고품을 만족시킬수 없으면)  hunger: Whether in fantasy or reality (황홀함 속에 있든 현실에 있든) , I need a connection to another equally raunchy human being (나는 다른 똑같은 음란한 인간과의 결합을 필요로한다) . It has always been the (그것은 늘 나의 경우였다) case with me, since I was a teenager (10대 이후) , that I have to see someone else's horniness in order to feel horny (내가 성적으로 충분한 느낌을 갖기 위해서 다른 누군가의 성적만족을 봐야만 하는) . What I happily realized on my knees in the parking lot (내가 주차장에서 무릎을 꿇고 행복하게 깨달은 것은) is that an erect cock in my face is among the most blatant ways of (내 얼굴 앞에 있는 발기한 성기는 ~의 가장 용맹한 방식중에 하나이다) experiencing the realness of someone else's desire I'd ever encountered (내가 이제껏 만난적이 있는 다른 사람의 진실을 경험하는) . And every time (그리고 늘) , it spurs a response in me (그것은 내 내면의 반응을 자극한다) , hot and dark (음흉하고 신비스런) as if I am doing something transgressive in the best possible way (마치 내가 가장 가능한 방식에서 법을 어기기 쉬운 무언가를 하는 것처럼) .

- the case that I have to see .... : the case는 that절의 동격

- platonic : (육체관계를 하지 않은) 정신적인 사랑의, 플라토닉한 / raunchy : 음란한 / spur : 자극하다 / as if : 마치 ~인 것 처럼

But then there was the time I blew a friend of mine, when I discovered yet a new, more intense level of pleasure waiting for me in the blow job. My friend and I had known each other for years but had never been sexual until one night we wound up drunk, naked in his bed, mumbling about what a bad idea it was. All the awkwardness of being with a new person was made excruciating by the self-consciousness that I really knew this man - his quirks and peeves - the girls he found attractive, the complex relationship he had with his family and his career. But then a supple communication started between me and his penis as I began to suck, a communication beyond words and much deeper than any we had ever had before.

But then there was the time I blew a friend of mine, (그러나 그 이후 나는 친구 중 한 명을 자위시켜준 때가 있다) when I discovered yet a new, more intense level of pleasure (그때 나는 이제서야 ~새롭고 더욱 격렬한 쾌감을 발견했다) waiting for me in the blow job (자위를 해주는 나를 기다리는) . My friend and I had known each other for years (내 친구와 나는 수 년동안 알고 지내왔었다) but had never been sexual (하지만 결코 섹스를 한 적이 없었다) until one night we wound up drunk (술이 취한 어느날 밤 전까지) , naked in his bed (그의 침대에 벌거벗고) , mumbling about what a bad idea it was (그것은 참으로 나쁜 생각이라고 중얼거리면서) . All the awkwardness of being with a new (새로운 사람과의 모든 어색한 행위는) person was made excruciating by the self-consciousness that I really knew this man (내가 정말 이사람 알고 있다는 자의식에 의해 몹씨 괴로운 일이었다) - his quirks and peeves (그의 변덕과 짜증) - the girls he found attractive (그가 알게된 매력적인 여자들) , the complex relationship he had with his family and his career (그가 자신의 가족과 직업과 복잡한 관계) . But then a supple communication started (그러나 그때 나긋나긋한 대화가 시작되었다) between me and his penis as I began to suck (내가 빨기 시작한 그의 성기와 나 사이에) , a communication beyond words and much deeper than any we had ever had (말로 표현할 수 없고 우리가 전에 갖었었던 어느것 보다 더 깊은 의사소통) before.

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- intense : 격렬한 / mumble : 중얼거리다 / excruciating : 몹시 괴로운 / quirk : 변덕 / peeve : 짜증 / supple : 나긋나긋한, 비위를 맞추는

His cock felt so sexy in my mouth, hard and hot and aching with desire. But I could also feel how much of this man was being revealed to me: his sexuality, his vulnerability, his musky smell.

His cock felt so sexy in my mouth, hard and hot and aching with desire (그의 성기는 내 입속에서 너무나 섹시하고 욕망으로 뜨겁고 고통 느겼다) . But I could also feel how much of this man (그러나 이 사람의 얼마만큼은 나에게 보여 주고 있다는 것을 느낄 수 있었다) was being revealed to me: his sexuality, his vulnerability, his musky smell (그 성적욕망, 그의 연약함 그리고 그의 사향 냄새) .

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- vulnerability : 연약함 / musky : 사향 냄새가 나는

Soon the connection started to feel like a merging, as though I was experiencing that blow job too. It felt crazy, off-the-charts raunchy, to fantasize that I was not only giving head but getting it. All of a sudden I was overwhelmed by pure animal pleasure. I was so turned on that I came.

Soon the connection started to feel like a merging (곧 그 결합은 함께 된다는 느낌을 갖기 시작했다) , as though I was experiencing that blow job too (마치 내가 구성성교를 또한 경험하고 있는 것 처럼) . It felt crazy (그것은 광적이고 ~한 느낌이었다) , off-the-charts raunchy (틀에서 벗어난 음탕한) , to fantasize that I was not only giving head but getting it (내가 생명를 줄 뿐만아니라 생명을 얻는다고 공상하기 위해) . All of a sudden (갑짜기) I was overwhelmed by (나는 순수한 동물적 쾌감에 압도 되었다) pure animal pleasure. I was so turned on that I came (나는 너무나 황홀한 기분으로 돌아왔다) .

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- off-the-charts raunchy : 틀에서 벗어난 음탕한

Since that night's discovery I always revel in the double fantasy of giving and receiving. And I honor the wisdom of the old Greek philosophers who pointed out that although the Divine is inscrutable, it is easy to find while sucking on a dick.

Since that night's discovery (그날밤의 놀라운 발견이 있은 후) I always revel in the double fantasy of giving and receiving (나는 늘 주고 받는 이중적인 황홀함을 한껏 즐긴다) . And I honor the wisdom (그리하여 나는 ~의 지혜를 찬미한다) of the old Greek philosophers who pointed out (~라고 지적한 고대 그리스의 철학자들) that although the Divine is inscrutable (신을 헤아릴 수 없을 지라도) , it is easy to find while sucking on a dick (성기를 빨고 있는 동안 (신을) 찾는 것은 쉽다) .

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- the Divine : 신, 창조주 / inscrutable : 헤아릴 수 없는